Compassion is a quality in life that, if we possess it, makes our life richer and more beautiful. However, sometimes compassion makes our lives more difficult if we overextend ourselves for others. Some people give with their whole heart, love deeply and sincerely, and only get breadcrumbs and sometimes even contempt in return. If those givers then meet someone who indulges in their energy without even attempting to meet their efforts, things quickly turn sour as those givers are taken advantage of. I do not speak necessarily about finances here but about love. Some people only want to receive admiration, love, acknowledgement and attention without being able to reciprocate. These people are often not only stingy with their time for their partner but also with the love and affection that they give.
We can distinguish between compassionate and transactional love. I do not have a specific example in mind, but I have heard more than one story about arranged or semi-arranged marriages where the family ensured that the adult children met their future spouse within a tight-knit circle that was pre-vetted. Maybe it is difficult for me to understand as I don’t have the cultural background to appreciate arrangements. From my upbringing, I learned that it is beneficial to be with the person you love. My grandmother married the man she loved, and also my mother had the fortune to marry someone she truly loved. I appreciate that a few generations ago, even in Europe, that was not the norm, but I think love marriages serve us well. Also, from a biological perspective, this approach seems superior. We usually fall in love with the person with whom we match from a genetic perspective and with whom we can produce offspring. The smell of a person is, in this respect, important as it carries our genetic information.
But let’s go back to the topic of today’s article, which is compassion. If we truly love someone, we show compassion for them. We are connected on a physical, emotional and spiritual level with them, and we show care and affection. That encompasses that we understand and support their dreams and wishes and that we respect their needs and wants. Compassion also means that we are aware of the suffering of that person and that we have the wish to relieve it. We do not only feel deep sorrow if they suffer, but we seek to actively prevent that suffering. In my view, this also encompasses that we do not cause additional suffering by being emotionally insensitive or even outright cruel and abusive.
Compassionate love means that we acknowledge the other person. Compassionate love means that we focus our energy solely on them and not on others. Nowadays, due to work obligations or simply because we think we can do so, many people in committed relationships interact with people of the opposite sex. Quite often, they text and flirt with people outside the relationship to receive validation for their frail ego. All that is the opposite of compassionate love, it is emotional betrayal if we make other people important who have no business in being important to us. I believe that such behaviour will disturb the balance of an existing relationship in the long run. Those who emotionally betray often display a lack of boundary recognition and accountability. In my view, it is cowardly not to work on the existing relationship and instead seek validation from outside. It also shows a lack of compassion that those individuals display because they often brush off such behaviour as normal.
Don’t fall for it if such behaviour is normalised. It is not normal and shows a lack of respect if interactions with the other sex are hidden from you. That is usually the case if the partner is not introduced to those people or has no knowledge of them. Of course, opposite-sex friendships can and do exist, and they may work if they are openly lived, if the partner is an absolute priority and if it is without a double clear that the people in that friendship do not have some kind of lingering attraction to each other.
But let us come back to transactional love. I am not sure if that can be called love at all, but I feel that this type of love is on the rise again. Transactional relationships are those where one person does things for the other and expects something in return. Sounds familiar? Many people form relationships today because they expect something from the other: affection, validation, spending time, sex, and other things. People think that transactional love can have meaning. It is even normalised nowadays as our society teaches us that you need to give something to receive something back. But that is not what love is all about. When we are in love with a person, we should simply be in love without expecting an equal amount back. Why? Because if we expect something back, we don’t love with all our heart and soul.
My claim is that love cannot be measured. Love should be there without adding up what has been given and received in return. Love should be lived without shame, control or domination; instead, we should love with a sense of accountability, respect and compassion. That is the love that we should strive for.
The following poem is from my upcoming book: Hope and Other Things
TINDERBOY
Tinderboy, you broke my heart.
Of course, I should have known better.
Non-committal to the core.
Coming and going when you liked.
Never serious, years went by in pain.
Secrets and lies, all you did.
Tinderboy, you betrayed us.
A family that needed and wanted you.
You can’t do solid, only fickle energy.
Running around again on Tinder.
Not looking for love but the quick fix.
Tinderboy, you truly suck.
Ash Phoenix is the author of The Chronicles of the Tiny Island and Who Wants Love? Both books are available at Bookcourt Mauritius and on Amazon.