Ash Phoenix*
Breadcrumbing is one of the most toxic things that can happen in relationships. Breadcrumbing “involves a small but inconsistent supply of interest that keeps someone feeling as though there is the potential for more” (verywellmind.com).
You can become a victim of breadcrumbing anytime, but it is prominent in love relationships because it is there where you are particularly open and vulnerable. Breadcrumbing can occur at any stage – whether we are just dating, are in a committed relationship or even married. It causes us to question whether the person cares about us; it makes us feel small and insignificant. It takes away our feelings of security and trust as we are “fed” enough to stay in a relationship although we are quite literally starving emotionally. Breadcrumbing is often followed by a period of love bombing where we get more than enough attention. But with time, whereas the relationships around us thrive and solidify, ours drag on and does not show any sign of progress. Rather, it feels like a downward spiral of dwindling attention and love.
How did we call breadcrumbing before entering this modern dating world that is only too familiar to many of us? We said that someone is stringing us along with broken or no promises and ambiguity. In hindsight, we realise that signs of breadcrumbing were already there early in the relationship, but we chose to ignore it. If we called it out, we did not follow through with any consequences. Perhaps we were already conditioned to live with an empty “emotional stomach”.
Accepting breadcrumbing without setting boundaries most probably leaves us with a series of broken relationships because we keep stumbling across those who are only willing to give a little instead of loving and committing with all their heart. But why do we choose those people in the first place who love only half-heartedly, who are unwilling or unable to give their all?
I am not sure, but it often seems to happen in our lives when we are not whole – periods when we are vulnerable in some sense and thus willing to accept an almost empty glass of love. It is in those times when we are willing to accept the second best, which are the breadcrumbs instead of a wholesome love that nourishes our heart and soul.
So what to do against this dating and relationship phenomenon called breadcrumbing? Don’t endure, don’t endlessly complain but take action and speak up. If this does not result in a change of behaviour, we need to leave behind that sad soul who is able or willing to give only so little. Our time is valuable so don’t waste it on half-lovers.
I know, it is often easier said than done. Often, we accept the breadcrumbs of affection in our lives for a long time. I think that we can only defend ourselves against breadcrumbing if we fundamentally understand that love should never be given and received in a lack mentality: a little something is better than nothing. I fundamentally oppose that thought, maybe because I have been exposed to breadcrumbing before.
That little bit of love does not make us happy, but it erodes all of our confidence over time as we start questioning ourselves: Are we not worth that this person who we love spends all of their free time with us? Are we not worthy of a relationship that progresses and nourishes instead of spending countless weekends on our own while we see others having quality time together? Are we not worth having a lover instead of a half-lover?
Quite frankly, many people are so busy with their everyday lives, careers and families of origin or their old friends that they only have very little to give in love relationships. Perhaps they are overwhelmed with life, but I think in most cases they are incapable of giving and receiving love; they are incapable of investing and committing to something that could make them vulnerable and open up their souls.
Society has hardened over time and so have the hearts of those half-lovers. On the one hand, everybody seeks not to overstep and “hurt someone’s else feelings” even in the workspace. On the other, many of us are not capable of giving true emotions anymore and instead throw breadcrumbs and engage in half-love.
What is the lesson? Non-acceptance. Non-compliance. Understanding. Moving forward.
What do I mean by this? From what I have learnt, it is detrimental for us to accept breadcrumbing. It degrades us; it makes us question our worth; it makes us believe that love is a constant state of starving, longing and feeling unsatisfied. Love should not feel like this because love should not be pain. Love should be peaceful, meaningful and whole. That is why if someone cannot give us this wholesome love that we deserve, it is better to be alone and nurture our souls by being kind to ourselves instead of wasting our years with half-lovers.
Still, we do
Do not love half-lovers. Still, we do.
Do not live half a life. Still, we do.
Do not eat half a meal and drink half a glass.
Still, we do, although we should know better.
We waste our lifetime.
We waste our food.
We waste our love for idiots,
Because we have free will, we do.
* Ash Phoenix is the author of The Chronicles of the Tiny Island and Who Wants Love?