AMAL
I recently celebrated my eight-month wedding anniversary, and let me tell you, it has been a rollercoaster. Flashback to five and a half months earlier, I faced a pregnancy scare I wasn’t prepared for. As a newlywed eager to share adventurous experiences with my spouse, the idea of a baby at this early stage seemed overwhelming. My initial reaction was, “A baby now would be such a killjoy”.
After a recommended premarital gynaecological visit- my first, and quite embarrassing- I mustered the courage to book a second appointment to discuss family planning. My mother kept reminding me: “If you don’t want a baby, just use contraception and don’t fool around too often.” This was followed by a warning: “If you do end up pregnant, don’t come complaining to me.”
I am young and, like most people my age, enjoy intimacy without guilt. Since “the little raincoat,” as my husband and I jokingly call it, isn’t 100% reliable and can dull the experience, I decided to find another form of contraception. Although my husband wasn’t keen on the pill, my gynaecologist and I convinced of him it was safe to take. I was given the pink magical pills and assured there were minimal side effects, which vary from person to person.
Three weeks turned into almost two months without noticeable side effects, until suddenly I started feeling unwell almost daily. I cannot count how many times I almost fainted in public, felt nauseous at night, cried uncontrollably, and experienced fits of rage. My poor husband became my personal punching bag, unsure how to handle these outbursts. At times, I was the happy person he married, and at others, I was incredibly moody.
I felt immense guilt for the turmoil I was causing and repeatedly begged for forgiveness, only for the cycle to repeat itself. Family outings and events were canceled or ruined because of my unpredictable behaviour. During these moments, I clung to my husband for comfort and pleaded with him to help me get rid of this “horrible person” I felt I had become. I felt like a stranger to myself and even considered separating from my husband several times, believing I wasn’t good enough for him.
These were some of the darkest moments of my life, and the most frustrating part was not understanding the cause of my behavior. “Could it be the evil eyes?”, I wondered. I had countless questions and no answers until my mom suggested that pills might be to blame.
Sitting on the vintage couch in my childhood home, I began researching the side effects of the oral contraceptive I was using. The list was extensive, and I found myself ticking off many of the symptoms. It dawned on me that it had been harming my body daily. It all made sense, though it didn’t immediately make me feel better. I felt foolish for overlooking this crucial information earlier. The following day, I intentionally discarded the pills mid-pack, aware that it could lead to temporary menstrual cycle irregularities, other hormone-related symptoms and pregnancy (in the absence of other contraceptive methods). I also took a blood test prescribed months earlier by my gynaecologist to check for any lasting effects on my body. Thankfully, aside from a slight increase in my cholesterol levels (probably from the late-night snacks), everything looked normal.
This had me wondering: “Was I the only woman who experienced such a situation?”, “Do all contraceptive pills have similar effects?” and “Did the pill exacerbate an existing condition?”. Later, I learned from a cousin that many women around the globe share similar experiences. I felt betrayed, wishing I had known there was a community of women to support me.
Today, I have better control over my emotions (at least when I am outside of the “red zone”). I am still healing from this chapter of my life, which continues to haunt me from time to time. If it weren’t for my mom and patient husband, I wouldn’t be writing this article from a café, sipping an iced latte.
I choose to share this story because, as Audre Lorde wrote:
“When we speak, we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So, it is better to speak.”
Disclaimer
This account reflects the author’s personal experience; individual experiences may vary. Please consult a healthcare professional if you notice any significant changes while taking the medication.