The following text is from Ash Phoenix new book: Who wants love?
Love and obsession are a combination that can make quite an impact on our lives. Some of us have already obsessed over a specific person during or after the end of a love relationship.
Obsession is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes into a person’s mind. Thus, an obsession exists if we always think about something or someone. That may remind you of the teenagers who obsess about their first love, but I am sure that we can be obsessed about someone we love at any stage of our lives.
What do we commonly obsess about? If the relationship is relatively new and has yet to progress into a solid long-term commitment, we may obsess about whether the love will last.
Once two people have committed to a more solid endeavour, one or both partners may obsess about the other’s fidelity. That usually happens if there is either insecurity on one or both sides, emotional unavailability or indications of betrayal.
In times of social media, relationships are probably weaker than they once were. The seemingly endless possibilities may make it harder for some people to commit. Perhaps people are generally more uncertain about what they want, and more and more people see others not as unique individuals but as objects of their desire – and sometimes their obsession.
A 2018 social study by J. Kansky, published in the Handbook of Well-Being, maintained that a satisfying romantic relationship is essential for both partners’ quality of life and health. The couple’s emotional intimacy significantly contributes to the relationship quality, as it helps buffer daily stress and thus enhances the partners’ well-being and adjustment.
The phrase emotional intimacy suggests that someone is close to the partner in an emotional sense. In a healthy relationship, both partners open up and share their feelings, fears, hopes, and wishes. In short, they are vulnerable. If both partners have a different level of emotional openness, or if one partner is not emotionally available, things can quickly get out of balance. Usually, the emotionally open partner will question the other’s feelings and ask why the other does not reveal their inner being.
I believe that most people search for true love. They want to be perceived by their partner as an exceptional human being – as the one.
What happens if we feel that our partner does not see us as their one and only?
We start questioning ourselves and obsessing about why that is not the case. We begin questioning the other person’s love for us. We may even suspect them of having ulterior motives for being with us.
Sometimes we doubt whether love is there at all. The more our thoughts ruminate about the other person and what they may think, do or feel, the unhealthier the relationship becomes. Obsession leads to doubt, and often doubt leads to the end of a connection.
What can we do to be less obsessed with our partner or ex-partner? There may be only one way to let go of an obsession successfully. We must refocus on ourselves, our dreams, passions, and aspirations. We need to exercise self-care and do things that benefit us instead of letting the subject of our fixation consume our thoughts.
We only have one life; we should stop obsessing about someone else and instead focus on our personal growth. It is not easy, but if we think about the nights we lay awake because we are obsessed with someone or something, we will, in hindsight, understand that it was a waste of our time.
To an extent, obsessing over an ex-partner after a breakup is typical. But we should realise that we should minimise the time we obsess and strive to return to our path as we cannot influence someone else’s path.
We should remember that we cannot change a particular event once it has taken place. We can only change our reaction to it. We are the master of our responses, which will – in whatever way – influence the outcome. Thus, obsession can only worsen, not improve any relationship, let alone bring a person back.
Feeling and obsession
You are gone, and I cannot find you.
Your spirit is far away, but I can still feel it.
My soul is longing for you.
But my heart knows you are lost to me.
Lost and gone forever.
We were not brave enough. We were cowards.
We could not hold on to the gift of love given to us.
We threw it away carelessly – both of us.
It was a rollercoaster, and we only had one ticket.
It is used now; our time is up; no second chances.
I look back on beautiful memories, but they are gone.
They are our past, not less, not more.
I wish I had tears to mourn.
But they do not want to come.
You betrayed me, and I let you betray me.
I wanted to stay in my illusions.
I wanted to believe your lies.
I wanted to belong to someone.
I wanted to be possessed by you.
I was obsessed, but it felt so good.
Now there are only bittersweet memories.
It feels as if it was never real to love you.
I believe your feelings were never real,
Just my illusions were very real.
And my pain, now very real.
I need time to heal – urgently.
I tell this to myself every day.
But I am still obsessed,
As I am thinking of you every day,
every hour, every minute, every moment.
But those thoughts will be gone one day.
I will have mourned, and I will have moved on.
Until then, I can only hope that my tears will come,
But if they do not come, I will celebrate.
I will celebrate with words of our lost love.